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Top Tips #1

By: Simon Booth On: 13:17:00
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  • Top Tips #1



    SAVE MONEY on expensive air fresheners by sticking lavender un your arse. Then everytime you fart, a burst of soothing fragrance is released into your home.
    M Hinge, e-mail
     
     
     MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
    C. Tarquin, e-mail
     

    TRANSSEXUALS. Make yourself feel more like a woman by driving a car badly whilst talking bollocks.
    Grant B Warner, New Malden
     
     
     SAVE MONEY on your water bill. Every time you flush the toilet, piss into the cistern. It all goes down the same way and you'll save approximately £1.56 over a lifetime.
    Albert Shortfish, West Midlands
     
     
    HOUSEWIVES. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can easily locate the area and check that the stain has gone.
    Dean Saville, E-mail
     
     
     SAVE MONEY on electric toothbrushes by simply clamping a bottle brush into the chuck of a Black & Decker drill.
    S. Grainger, Market Raisin
     
     
     WOMEN. WHY take two bottles into the shower when you can take about a dozen, cluttering up the shelf so there is no room for the single bottle of all over shampoo that we seem to be able to manage perfectly well with? For fuck's sake.
    Iain Purdie, Bradford
     
     
     BUS DRIVERS. Increase the number of people who believe you when you cite traffic as an excuse for your late arrival by not stopping halfway through a route to exchange a racist joke with a passing colleague.
    Dan B, e-mail
     
     

    AMERICAN locomotive drivers. When confronted with a car obstructing a rail crossing, the brake pedal is the one that slows the train down, not the one that sounds the fucking horn.
    Jim Gearbox, Lamesville
     
     
      IN THE SAME way that a lazy eye can be cured by covering the other eye with frosted glass, a lazy ear can be cured by pushing a cork into the good one.
    DC Dry, Boston Spa
     
     

    MEN. MAKE sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
    Manytrix, e-mail
     
     

    A SHREDDED Wheat on a stick makes a great back scrubber for the first couple of seconds of your bath.
    Hapag Lloyd, Runcorn
     
     

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