SAVE MONEY on expensive air fresheners by sticking lavender un your arse. Then everytime you fart, a burst of soothing fragrance is released into your home.
M Hinge, e-mail
MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral
invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away
from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
TRANSSEXUALS. Make yourself feel more like a woman by driving a car badly whilst talking bollocks.
C. Tarquin, e-mail
TRANSSEXUALS. Make yourself feel more like a woman by driving a car badly whilst talking bollocks.
Grant B Warner, New Malden
SAVE MONEY on your water bill. Every time you flush the
toilet, piss into the cistern. It all goes down the same way and you'll
save approximately £1.56 over a lifetime.
Albert Shortfish, West Midlands
HOUSEWIVES. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a
garment, always circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that
when you remove it from the washing machine you can easily locate the
area and check that the stain has gone.
Dean Saville, E-mail
SAVE MONEY on electric toothbrushes by simply clamping a bottle brush into the chuck of a Black & Decker drill.
S. Grainger, Market Raisin
WOMEN. WHY take two bottles into the shower when you can take
about a dozen, cluttering up the shelf so there is no room for the
single bottle of all over shampoo that we seem to be able to manage
perfectly well with? For fuck's sake.
AMERICAN locomotive drivers. When confronted with a car obstructing a rail crossing, the brake pedal is the one that slows the train down, not the one that sounds the fucking horn.
Iain Purdie, Bradford
BUS DRIVERS. Increase the number of people who believe you
when you cite traffic as an excuse for your late arrival by not stopping
halfway through a route to exchange a racist joke with a passing
colleague.
Dan B, e-mail
AMERICAN locomotive drivers. When confronted with a car obstructing a rail crossing, the brake pedal is the one that slows the train down, not the one that sounds the fucking horn.
Jim Gearbox, Lamesville
IN THE SAME way that a lazy eye
can be cured by covering the other eye with frosted glass, a lazy ear
can be cured by pushing a cork into the good one.
MEN. MAKE sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
A SHREDDED Wheat on a stick makes a great back scrubber for the first couple of seconds of your bath.
DC Dry, Boston Spa
MEN. MAKE sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
Manytrix, e-mail
A SHREDDED Wheat on a stick makes a great back scrubber for the first couple of seconds of your bath.
Hapag Lloyd, Runcorn
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